I call it magic

Christian Lacroix.

(This article contains paragraphs from my upcoming book Rebelle)

I climbed up the stairs to the apartment of my ex-morphed-into-brother, Florian, a university professor. The architect I had passed on the level below nearly shut the door onto his hand, staring at me. I smirked. I liked the attention. I wore a tight, red two-piece set from Dolce&Gabbana, its mini skirt revealing smooth stocking free legs. My bright red heels matched the outfit perfectly.

It was 1988. My ex-morphed-into-brother told me later that said architect asked him in a secretive manner, "Did you hire a call girl...?"

I laughed. Cute!

I enjoyed the self confidence of being a young entrepreneur, who had just sold a business making a nice profit, lost ten pounds sniffing a little Cocaine here and there instead of lunch or dinner, bought a Beamer and sped at 130 mph over to Paris on the amazing European Autobahn.

Looking back at my red heels on squealing wooden stairs I wondered, did the sexy red suit reveal my soul? My darker desires? Did I have an inner courtesan calling?

If you consider reincarnation or genetic memory a possibility, that we can link to scenes from the past as their energy lingers all around us or if you like the proposal that we live in a virtual reality where everything is possible you won’t flinch when I tell you about my courtesan memories. I connected to a medieval story in which I was a courtesan in 1248. It wasn’t a mental construct or called in by witchcraft, those eerie memories of the past simply happened.

I lived in the magical Aquarian country of Portugal, in a 700-year-old farmhouse, when I looked into the mirror and she looked back at me; bright make up, wild hair, lots of powder and rare pearls on a risky decollete; my furious inner courtesan. People entered my life with strange messages, my closest friends and my lover took on roles from the past and real words about "whores" appeared on white washed walls. I had visions of my home burning and monks praying in the valley. On another day I walked through the fields in front of my house in a white vintage dress, a rifle over my shoulder, Mozart’s Don Giovanni blasting from the speaker on my terrace. I felt heart broken, desperate, threatened by a sin I had committed and fearing revenge. I was defending myself; from whom I didn't know - yet.

I stumbled firing a shot into the air waking me up from my trance. The old farmer and his companion’s heads popped out of the cornfield, ”Now she’s shooting at us.” The scene was morbidly funny but my heart was racing in panic. I ran back into the house, what had a done? I could have killed somebody.

My inner courtesan had winked at me again on the stairs of my ex’s apartment building but like so many foreshadowing moments in my life I chose to ignore it. I wasn’t yet on the level of experience I could cope with it. The story of my courtesan memories revealed itself only years later when I fearlessly looked back at my spooky visions of 1248; I thought writing a screenplay with her as the heroine would get me out of the financial mess my gambling the stock market had caused. She was the force that drove us from the serene beauty of Santa Fe to the harshness of Los Angeles and promised to be the way out of my financial ruin.

It was not fame and fortune that awaited us in LA but a spiritual path; rarely paved by prayer and meditation but an enlightenment that went through the body; the crude, emotional, human experience of my shadows. Like the high priest of my medieval story had prophesied the courtesan Alazais; "I will give you eyes to see and ears to hear."

Locked into a mindset of being unworthy, a decade of martyrdom and redemption had to pass until my rebellious feminist soul dared to show herself again; Justyna Smart, a couturier, felt inspired to draw a high fashion outfit for me; her intuition made her call it "Angie's Inner Courtesan", a blonde femme wearing a red mini skirt suit.

Justyna Smart, Los Angeles

There she was, young me in my Dolce&Gabbana number. You can call it coincidence, I call it the magic of synchronicity.

It doesn't stop there; Justyna offered me to wear her red Christian Lacroix two piece outfit and when I looked into her beautiful mirror my inner courtesan looked back at me, this time with a smile. We both had left the story of abandonment. It doesn't matter if Alazais was me or the memory of the life of a mysterious whore who was murdered by the Catholic inquisition in 1249. She was in my code, part of my life, a reoccurring theme. The outfit by Christian Lacroix was not just red and similar to my D&G; the couturier had fallen in love with courtesans influencing a whole period of his life.

"At the 39th-annual Rencontres d'Arles, France's most famous photography festival, the guest curator, the couturier Christian Lacroix, chose Les Insoumises to feature in a special and very entertaining section, explaining that he has long been fascinated by these colorful transgressors.

They were courtesans whose nickname "insoumises," meaning insubordinate, came from the fact that, unlike common prostitutes, they refused to submit to police licensing or conventional morals. They were glamorous, venal and usually ended up badly but while the going was good they were celebrated, from before the Empire and after its end, by writers from Dumas fils to Maupassant and Zola."

Not all courtesans were consciously or deliberately rebellious women driven by the fierce need of freedom. Not all of them were educated or trained in tantric type magical rituals. But some were; they followed in the tradition of wild women, witches, sorceresses and holy whores. 

Remembering Alazais I had promised to finish her story to redeem both of us. I let her see that she was loved when she died, not abandoned as she was forced to believe. Abandonment had provoked many of my rebellions, which made me wonder how far the rabbit hole goes, how old is the story running my life and what do we see when we take the pill that opens our eyes? Are we programmed with beliefs and deep layers of memories structuring our lives? A script? Is our warrior's task is to live through them, win the level, become aware of another puzzle piece, power or treasure and rise to the next more complicated challenge like in a video game?

Why is Alazais, my inner courtesan showing up right now? I am writing about sex and love at midlife after I experienced a rather mind boggling old story of love and betrayal recently, which I thought had been long out of my system. I had given up on men pretty much entirely. My No to the old paradigm of men's dreams of mindless sex entails my Yes to what I want from love, from men or women. The experience woke me up; what was I missing? What can Alazais teach me about other ways of looking at sexuality? At the union of male and female? What did it really matter to her and what does it mean to me?

She had stepped into my life a couple of times but I never really listened deeply, I took it as a tantalizing game, a seduction I had to avoid. I will lend her my hand to restore her diary; I want to know from her if it is true that  there is magic in sexual union. "Jesus replies: "When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner as the outer, and the upper as the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male shall not be male, and the female shall not be female: . . . then you will enter [the kingdom]."

Life is story, and underneath the stories and beliefs of our childhood are deeper, darker and much more forming ones. The detective game is to find out which ones we are living and which ones we truly want to live with.

Outfits have to power to kick our emotions. They express who we are and what we feel at the moment as much as they can reveal deeper levels of our selves. They can be hideaways, invitations, provocations, wake up calls or embodiments of our ignorance. Outfits are energy and consciously stepping into them or simply giving ourselves permission for "more" can be an eye opener.

I always hated the color or non-color of white. The white "wedding" dress I wore in Portugal to express my guilt, despair and grief about a love forever lost has changed to a white dress in which I feel beautiful, open and loved with everything being possible. White had meant the end and now I feels like the beginning.

By couturieuse Justyna Smart, Los Angeles

Outfits are not just things we buy because they are in fashion or we might fish out from the deepest corners of our closet to make a point against the dependency on trends. Their style, color, how their materials feel and especially the period they came from or remind us of can be storytellers and co creators of our lives.

Women mirrors

“Am I really HERE?”

“Is this really me?”

I hid a small hand mirror under my desk in school in case I needed to check on my existence. The girls in the class giggled. I was the weird one, a girl with an A in math glued to her mirror.

I was searching for more than the shiny reflections of my outside.

Mirror, mirror, who am I?

Three decades later I yelled at the amazing star studded night sky of Portugal’s Algarve,

“I do anything to know what my life is all about.”

The Universe answered manifold and repeated its messages many, many times until my tears wiped away the dust and I could see more of me, my past, my myth; more of the world.

And then the time was right. The Universe gave me WOMEN.

Shiny, polished or broken mirrors of a new kind.

“I’ve got your back.” said my life coach.

“Even when I am bad?”

I pushed her away, played upnoxious stubborn games like a kid testing her boundaries.

My female life coach said “I love you no matter what.”

It didn’t matter that I paid her, she knew what to say when. She didn’t have to stay. She “took it”, she let me act out in a safe space. She was the first person who said an unmistakably loud YES to ALL I was.

Her yes was an invitation to “see things differently” and to present my self; the woman I aspire to be and who I am right now. It is a brave and daily exercise to twist and turn out of our cocoons and dare to be real. Instagram became my playground where every smile helped.

I had always loved women’s beauty and for the last decade even without competition. Comparison sure but now I could separate “them and me”; the fear not to be good enough was my own.

The more I showed my truth in my outfits the more I felt the vibrations of others. I saw them and they saw me; their comments polished my soul more than my ego.

The most revealing was to open my eyes from my heart; meaning with real interest not for a like, a follow or a confirmation of my cute.

What I had proclaimed in my soul sister planner;

when you enter a room don’t do it with “look at me” but who are you?” changed my own life. I was present in conferences and meetings, open to see YOU. Magic happens when we’re real.

I saw my creativity shine in their appreciation. My trust lit up, authenticity sparkled; the dark shadows of my defenses crumbled and the im.age revealed a loving child, open and innocent. Shaking off fears and old beliefs I opened my arms to my reflections and the women who looked at me with a smile.

Not all smiles were pure; when agendas, wants and needs play a bigger role than truly meeting a person a relationship can turn painful. I was shocked, angry, sad and got migraines under the load of emotions.

“You hurt me.” I cried.

It was what I saw of myself that freaked me out. I had met my inner diva, a woman who manipulates, craves applause and pulls all available strings to receive it born from a little girl who never got what she wanted; to be seen and understood.

Mirror to the rescue; when I realized that my diva friend mirrored my fears and doubts, insecurities and judgments I accepted them as challenges and let her go. Thank you for the flowers, they were, like the evil queen shiny apple, poisoned.

To believe that we deserve the best can be empowering. It is fatal for our authentic truth when we expect to be treated like a queen and bitchy like a princess on a pea when it doesn’t happen.

The awareness that I had lived for years demanding to be loved and the resulting struggle to make it happen, the sudden that my ego had been a bitch

The concept of seeing ourselves in others can easily be misinterpreted and misunderstood. It doesn’t mean that we are as bad as the murderer we see on TV, that we want the husband to hit us, are narcissists or actually aspire to be broke.

What we see are our fears, beliefs, judgments as much as our dream, hopes and desires.

Our judgments are our prisons but can be our guides to freedom; what we think about others often has nothing to do with their reality but is a “truth” interpreted by the grid of our own beliefs. We assume intentions where there aren’t any.

The answer is to ask “What does this have to do with me?” “What do I really see?”

You and me we are messengers from our souls, supporting actors showing each us our deeper truth.

Prompts from the Soul Sister Journal

Truth and Dare

Be brave. Fess up. See yourself in the mirror of others.

Take off your personas like robes that don’t fit anymore.

Attract like-minded women, your soul sister tribe, when you walk your truth.

Don’t fear your Self, be radically honest.

Helpful questions to ask

What was my relationship to women in the past and what is it today? 

How do I feel towards women and in women groups?

How would I like to feel?

What are my main reasons to connect with women?

- Develop my business to make more money

- To connect with opportunities

- Achieve a common goal

- Support and be supported

- Give and receive love

- Sell my products or services

- Joined partnerships

- Create a better world together

- Feel sisterhood

Create magic and rituals

- Connect to ancient knowing

- Women empowerment

- Feel that I belong

- Create a revolution 

- Other

What do I love or hate in my women friends?

What do I judge? (Fear)

What do I love about them?

Who and what inspires and attracts me?

Who are my deeper connections on Facebook?

Who are my girls on Instagram?

What do they have in common?

What do I see of myself in them?

What can I learn from them?

How can I be of assistance to them?

What’s my unique contribution, my gift to them?

I see you. I love you. I wish you all the best.

Social media fasting

"See you on Monday," I informed my friends and followers on Facebook and Instagram. I had three days in front of me without posting or checking on what's up with everybody lives and successes; 72 hours of just me, my dog, my notebooks and word files on my computer. I call it social media fasting.

I fasted several times throughout my life and the most successful retreats were those of 2 weeks or longer, in a beautiful setting, together with other health nuts and under professional supervision. My social media fast was spontaneous, not planned and not guided by any other guru than myself. Basically I was winging it. One thing I knew was that I really needed this. A break, a breather and to feel the beauty of my writer self without distractions. To see straight. My goal is to finish my book be June, how the heck could I get there feeling like ten people on 100 different parties....?

My body was tired from my emotional reactions to the various feelings other people's posts evoked. My brain felt frazzled and my cells buzzed, lit up by opposing view points and world views I couldn't possibly "get" or condone. The many marketing suggestions, when did I sign up for all these emails? caused panic that I needed to be into 7 figures by now or at least have the fail-safe plan set up. I hadn't. I had a migraine attack instead and was "stupid" for one hour, a rather unpleasant knowing that you don't know your son's name, can't understand text or speak coherently. My brain said enough is enough! No more trying not to judge, responding wisely, being politically correct and fitting in. No more "monetizing the book when its done" strategies, I needed to get back to the story, my book baby and the reasons I loved writing about resistance and how she can liberate but also crush us. I needed to empower myself, stand up for my dream and re - belle, get back to the passion and beauty of words against all business coaching and 7 figure marketing plans.

It was not quite a fast, more like the time after one finishes a fast when "normal" is reintroduced; those little bites and sips of easy digestible food and drink like dry sourdough rolls and almond milk. I had peeked into FB, as two of my friends and business partners communicate with me only on messenger and checked how many likes my "last" picture, a quick hi from my abstinence had gotten.  I quickly hit a couple of likes but proud of myself I disconnected within 5 minutes. Still, I had cheated.

I wanted to write five glorious chapters, tripling what I usually produce in three days, by being fully focused on the adventures of my rebelling past. Murmuring mantras and repeating affirmations I managed to manipulate my brain to wake up on day 2 happily thinking of the next paragraph not a like-winning photo for Instagram.

The book Rebelle is about the power of No and I had to exercise it vigorously; No, don't open Google Chrome, no, I'm not powering up the Iphone and no, I'm not checking my emails.

The outcome of my little experiment was two glorious chapters, only one more than what I usually produce in three days with distractions. But I also prepared the next three chapters and felt balanced, clean and calm. Not engaging with other people's opinions and feelings was a cleanse of my emotions. I got back to what is important and essential to me and what I can give without reacting to others and their take on life or success. I am as authentic and vibrant as I can be at this level of my life and see myself as a mindful gift.

I love synchronicities; on day two I met a new friend who told me her journey into compassion. If she could be compassionate with a man who hid his mental illness from her and betrayed her I could be compassionate with letting myself be pulled into too many directions and loose my compassionate cool. Nobody is responsible for my feelings, I am. So I changed them. I am where I am supposed to be. I chose my friends, my groups and with whom or what I love to engage. I will never please everybody.

I am glad I went through the moments of social media withdrawal. After my four writing hours I put my legs up, and, phone in hand listened to the birds chirping in the huge pepper tree in front on my home. I did not give in to the temptation to have an Instagram peek. The ivy leaves covering the window in my meditation corner let a few sun rays through dancing over my black dress..... Now what? I was taken by complete surprise; without my fashion and life style stories I felt - bored. I missed the engagement, the comments, even the mini dramas of my emotional reactions. My followers and friends are part of my world, my mirror, my creativity and even my guru. I don't want to live without them.

The answer is balance.

From now on I will turn social media off for half of the day and prepare my next social media fasting as described above. Maybe I'll even find a monastery or those three or four real life people who want to do a self guided writer's retreat.

Tips for writers and bloggers

Less distractions means more writing

- get a dog sitter, baby sitter, responsibility sitter...

- find a place to write outside of your usual surroundings

- if you stay at home, have the house cleaned before and prepare your meals.

2. Less emotions and reactions to other people's posts means more peace; a cleanse of reactive emotions and more writing from our truth

 - brain storm in morning pages about your reactions to past news, posts, friend's opinions, find the message of your reaction, use it for motivation and writing ideas and with that get rid of left over emotional residues

3. Less engagement means getting back from the outside to the inside

 - Less noise lets us go deeper, it's best to also avoid TV and newspapers

4. Being with ourselves means more insights.

I realized that a regular human being can't produce creative work for more than 4 or 5 hours. My desire to create twelve hour writing marathons is utopia at least in regular not threatening circumstances. I am sure that, when my deadline is close I can power up to writing night and day.

- mix it up

- be creative around your goal, meditate, play with it, look at it from different angles

- prepare writing exercises

- use a chapter of your book to write a blog post

- expand your theme, add new nuances to it

- write a poem to the theme

- walk with your heroine through town and feel her feelings about what she sees

In my experience a ten hour writing day is easy to achieve in a writer's retreat when prompts, exercise and free writing are mixed up. Finding two or three other writers and renting an AirBnb in a peaceful setting is much easier - and less expensive - then booking a high powered writing retreat. Viva mini think tanks.

To sum it up; a social media fast is a serene step to get more organized, it adds motivation, depth and authenticity and increases creativity and self love.

I feel refreshed and happy to be back.

A truck, a director and a muddy Hollywood dream

We were soaking wet from the rain pour and exhausted after stomping through mud for fifteen minutes. Unprepared for a hike in general and in a freak storm in particular our jackets weren't really rain proof, my computer bag was leaking and our sneakers were squishing water and dirt. They sank in so deep that every step was a small effort. And now we had stopped, frightened of what had been announced as a "tiny ravine" and had become a crazy wild water rushing through our path. We had to cross THAT?

It was a Hollywood trip; my kid, my dog and me had arrived in LA, broke after a stock market disaster and over the ears full of hope that my reinvention as a screenwriter would manifest rapido. I had been a journalist for 7 years, with a non fiction book about experimental theater on the market and several successful business ventures under my belt. Other than my investment crash my life's experiences pointed to success. Yes, in LA, against neysayers and rolling with the Hollywood dreams and all.

Of course when we make big mistakes like losing all our money it nags at our psyche and makes us feel like losers; nothing that self empowerment mantras can't push under the table, or so it seems.

When I met the long haired 50 year old director, with his very impressive 100 page investment proposal, which several people had already made funds available for, fate smiled at me. This was it. The Universe had heard me, answered me and had served this friendly hippie man right on a silver platter. His cool Native American vibe (he was 33 % Cherokee, he said) touched my freedom loving, adventurous heart and when he offered me a part time job I was super happy to accept. He presented the two men living with him in the west side apartment as his production and writing team. I was the female voice and they needed it; the women in the first act of the script were bloodless and bland and looking for a light... I felt needed and capable to fix this. They were on a deadline as their investors wanted to see the finished script and they needed more investors...

Their funds seemed to pay for everything, their expenses and rent... but I didn't want to care. I got a salary for doing something that I loved and would get a writing credit for.

The director, and I'm still not sure how naive I had been to believe his story, came up with the amazing idea to write the female characters in the wilderness as that's where most of the movie was playing. Kinda like method writing.

It was a two hour ride and we used my tough two door Bronco, not a rough pickup truck but close to the feel of it. The director didn't have a driver's license and I didn't ask. Maybe he had a DUI; I wanted to be polite. Maybe he was a criminal, but I thought about that only later after I hated him.

My dog jumped on his lab. I thought it was cute but she did what she had never done and would never do again; she pooped on his lab.

I should have know then. My sternly house broken dog who would alert us if she needed to go had expressed her clear mistrust for the man.

At the site we were not allowed to drive through the wilderness with the truck. The road was blocked off by a huge gate. The director said that they must have added that recently. "We can walk, no problem, it's only fifteen minutes from here," he assured us. We were not prepared for serious hiking but this didn't sound too bad. What's a couple minute walk...

After 10 minutes it started to drizzle. "No problem," he said, "it drizzles here some times."

5 minutes later it was pouring.

Another 5 minutes and I had enough, I wanted to turn back but our camp was "right around the corner." There would be a covered picnic area, a hot spring for us to warm up and bathrooms to dry ourselves. He would put up the tents under big trees.

When we arrived at the rushing ravine we were close to 30 minutes in, drenched and cold. I worried about hypothermia, what the heck was I supposed to do?? My kid... He just shrugged his shoulders.

Any mother can imagine my panic.

I had a drama queen moment and flipped, screaming at the wild water, the fucking mud and the irresponsible, crazy man.  He grabbed my bag and crossed the ravine. "It's not too bad", he yelled back at us, "you can do it. And I can see the camp site from here."

Kid on one hand, leash in the other, laptop around my neck we crossed. It was slow and scary with our dog nearly being pulled away.

We made it and indeed, there was the camp site; we were safe.

Only that the hot spring was a 2 x 2 x 2 concrete basin with hot water, the two picnic tables weren't covered and the bathrooms were dingy and towel deprived. We threw our stuff into one of the rooms and jumped into the hot tub, which was the life saver of the day. I'm not kidding. I had gone there, to the dark thought of freezing to death...

The director put up the first tent but alas, they only had sun roofs, porous sun roofs, the solid tops hadn't been part of the special deal. I would have jumped at his throat if I wasn't so tired and if it hadn't been for those voices... three other hikers had been surprised by the storm and got just stranded here. Real hikers and prepared they lend us a dry towel and we all got a sip of some hot beverage from their thermos.

It was tight with 6 people in the restroom for our pow how, should we stay or should we go? but at least it felt warm and somehow safe.

The director dude had lied; he had no clue where the camp site really was and how it looked like, he had endangered my family's life.  From now on I ignored him. Actually I hated him.

The three other campers had maps and found a least treacherous path to get back to the parking place. I was so tired that I left our bags when we joined the trio on the march back. Another group of people had found shelter at the amenities back at the parking lot. My kid and I crawled into the truck, heater on high, and changed into dry tee shirts, luckily I always had extras flying around in my truck. The dog got rubbed down with her dog towel. After one of the other campers shared a cup of soup with us we fell asleep in the car where we stayed over night. Every hour or so I ran the motor and its hot air kept us somewhat cozy.

On the next sunny morning the rancher brought my bags from the camp site. A dozen sweet and helpful people - and one rotten apple.

I expected the director to write his own scene to get home. We left without acknowledging his existence. We never spoke again.

Three months later I passed by his apartment and it was for rent. The phone number was disconnected, the one page website was an error message. Was their's a naive dream to make it in Hollywood fast and furious, like my own? Or had they pulled a conscious scam? If so had we been in danger with this man?

My intuition says that they started out with dreams and became scam artists pretty fast but that they weren't "real" criminals. I want to believe that hippies with dream catchers and peace drums can be trusted. But maybe we were totally lucky and the storm made us slip and slide away from a real disaster. The Universe might have seen and heard us in a different way than I had thought.

I'm not naive anymore, not with Hollywood nor its people.

But after many added experiences I understand why I lost my small fortune in a stock market gamble; I discovered my unconscious beliefs and went on a journey to reframe my thoughts and rewire my brain.

I'm on the other side of the wild water. I am still in Hollywood and much closer to its dream.

No Label

I discovered a gorgeous dress in a “once before loved” designer fashion store. Tried on, bought and rendered eternal in the unique moment of a photo shoot.  I act on what calls me; I am passionate and immediate like that.

When I posted it on my Instagram gallery I realized it there’s no designer attached to it.

I want to give it name, an origin, a maker…?

“No label” it is.

On an outing with one of my best friends she suggested to visit Catholic churches for Easter tradition’s sake. I feel immediate resistance. Doesn’t she know that I am an Atheist? Wait. I’m not, that’s a label from my really angry times when I also flirted with “punk culture”.  Am I an Agnostic then? Or an Uncertainist?

I don’t really know. I don’t have all the answers, I am uncertain. I’m missing my label.

I should know, shouldn’t I? How uncomfortable is leaving things open? “Wait and see,” my dad always used to say. I start to get what he meant.

Labeling is a word with contradicting outcomes.

It is used to box in, judge and to separate but also for communication, clarity and tribal inclusiveness. As “forever fierce” or “ageless rebel” women we stick together and support each other.

Character labels, social labels, branding labels....

1. Character labels mean judging, others and our selves. I have done that for years. You act in a certain way or say two sentences and I know who you are. My antennas are out, my resistance polished and my guards up. So you like Trump? That creates a label bomb right there. I’m outta here.

I started exercising non-judgment like weight lifting or more like letting go of weights three years ago.  Each time I feel a negative reaction to a person, or a limiting judgment of myself, which can go from feeling like a mild uncomfortable rush to a shock, I step back, breathe and watch what’s going on inside of me. It sometimes takes a minute and other times a day to see the person underneath their label.

Not to put people into boxes and reduce myself to reacting to their demeanor or opinions is freedom.

I was searching for freedom all my life and discovered that my prison was inside; my own beliefs created a world of preconceived notions structured by beliefs that were not even mine but pinned onto me or inherited. My beliefs were like a filter of right and wrong.

2.  Social labels as bodyguards – I am THIS…

I am rich, white, fashionable and powerful. Anybody who is not rich, white, fashionable and powerful doesn’t belong into the world I love. They could disturb the balance, the peace I feel in my golden cage. I don’t need to learn. I am perfect. I’m the gorgeous parrot who has learned how to talk. The same counts for I am the wild and crazy hippie or rational, proof based, super nerdy scientist…. Using labels as protection from anything different than our safe perception of self is a fear based delusion.  The insistence of right and wrong, and being entranced with our "one and only" wonderful world often creates the “therefore I hate yours.”

With strong labels comes avoidance and with that we lose the opportunities to learn and grow.

2. Personal labels - I make sure that you get me

We want to make sure that we are seen the way we want to be seen. We all label each other by characteristics all the time, we think of a particular person as being a smart ass, a diva, an obedient daughter or a mother Theresa. This might correctly describe of who they are right now, but it also carries a belief that the behavior reflects a person’s essence. To avoid being misinterpreted we label ourselves and often forget that we are more than our avatar. Underneath the attitude the Diva is in pain and the obedient daughter might love to break free…

Personal labeling creates cages and we look at each other through bars instead of exploring the neighborhood hand in hand. Who is the person behind her attitudes? And where does the behavior come from in the first place?

3. Labels for branding clarity when the brand is YOU

I want to be perceived as a fearlessly feminine, life loving, vibrant and magical ageless warrior queen, a storyteller who helps others to get their own story straight. I smile a lot.

This is my role, my avatar.

I also am a mother, a friend, a doubter, a tough dude, an introvert, a philosopher, a princess on a pea who sometimes is afraid, argues that life sucks, is totally tired and feels ancient.  I sometimes just want to shut up. Other times I cry.  I am all that, and I get that you are complex like me. When our brand is ME or YOU then “our truth will set us free”, it creates innovation, success and positive change and what we show freely connects us to others and their true selves. The “femme the future” paradigm wants us to connect from our soul, our essence. Business as usual will not change the world for the better.

Selling ourselves as perfect is stressful and really boring after a while.

Authenticity doesn’t only mean to tell the one branding soap story our business coach recommended, it means to be present, to be real in the moment and open our eyes to the truth of others. My personal pet peeve is commenting “lovely” on everything without even looking; all for the sake of keeping up with likes and being liked back. It’s not helpful to anybody.

Labeling separates more than it is inclusive and looking at our world, separation has got us into a mess. Enough is enough.

What are possible options to be specific yet be our whole package, to be clearly branded yet REAL?

We use our label as a flashlight to our soul, as a fluid journey not a descriptions hammered in stone. We are open to answers, ready to learn new dance moves.

We treat our label as a role like Method actors

As complex human beings we play our roles as best as we can, dreaming of getting an Oscar for our performance.

When we see our label as a role we play it with all our truth we give all we have to the persona we step into. All of us is present just in different degrees. My warrioress is a weave of everything I have to offer and my fierce shows up in pink love as much as in rebellious black.

- we are the role but keep our true identity alive.  We know that everybody else plays roles they have created or were created for them.

- we use roles as communication devices; how does my role fit to yours? What kind of design will it add to my stage? How will it change my movie? We give each other a chance to understand.

- we communicate on the stage of life and business following our script but are aware to leave the doors open to more, we stay open for improvisation.

We know that the happy end of our branding clarity of this moment in time is not the end but a beginning; the fun of exploration starts right here.

My Mantra is my label for the weeks to come;

I don’t really know. I don’t have all the answers, I am uncertain. My inviting, flexible, inclusive label supports my journey to all I can be.

Unstoppable and ambitious

Have you ever worn shoes that are too tight? My unstoppable, ambitious Zara heels were. They are a 7 and I'm an 8, sometimes an 7 1/2. I thought I can bare it, I'm tough and take risks. And please, they say "ambitious and unstoppable." 1. that's an amazing call to power 2. I absolutely need these shoes 3. I can suffer for this cool message 4. I am unstoppable in my desire to wear what I want. These two words are mine.

I tried. I walked around in the house and cried. Nearly. I'm not a masochist so I took them off before it was too bad. I sighed and decided that just looking at them on my shoe shelf isn't good enough, I had to bring them back. Have them widened at a shoe repair? It doesn't really work, I have experience in this. Why did I get them in the first place? Because this was the last pair and the only size they had.

I was trained to be tough. When brushing my long tousled mane my mom had exercised the wisdom of my grand mother often enough, "who wants to be beautiful has to suffer."

I still have the desire to be beautiful, obviously still listen to my mom in some instants but being unstoppable is the challenge of 2018. And I am ambitious enough to get there.

True to the words I didn't give up. Even after  I had unsuccessfully browsed through 20 webpages to find the unstoppable heels in an 8 I went for it one more time; the act of parting with the tight pair was so against my "there's always a solution" philosophy. Some call me stubborn...

If you want something bad enough manifesting works. I found them in my size. I ordered, making sure the 5 minute window wouldn't close. I am unstoppable.

It's not just "winning" the shoes that uplifts me, it's the process around and the meaning behind them. Words are gifts if we let them, motivators, messengers and manifesting agents. They are one of my messages from the Universe; in a time of doubt they tell me "you can."

Going back through my life long rebel stories for my book Rebelle, I was happily surprised to see how many times my stubborn insisting that "I can do this" against the odds of being a woman or not having capital or missing diplomas won against the naysayers. Not giving up is not just a mindset, it sharpens our mind forcing us to innovative ways of approaching a challenge.

"He is too ambitious", warned my dad when watching my son continuing to the next University to get his PHD. I was a little miffed at his negativity at first but later understood how criticism of our parents is often based in their pain; my dad was very ambitious working as a paper boy and mowing lawns to buy himself skies so that he could slide over ten miles of snowed in roads to school in the harsh winters of his small village in the middle of nowhere. He was called names and beaten up by his brothers for his ambition. He suffered not for beauty but his education and all he got as a reward was a war that made college impossible. I realized that he wanted to protect my son from the disappointment that was still hot and heavy on his heart after decades of life.

To achieve what we want and do anything to get there, women's ambition, often has a negative vibe of bossy, bitchy and relentless. But really it is "a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work." Titles like boss babe or bitch power have become empowerment tools only in the last decade. 

I played with ambition; I was hunting after my goals and got most of what I wanted but neither success, rewards or money fed my soul. Now, with the power of self love under my belt my ambition has changed from me to the world. I was asked what would change in the world if everybody got to read my upcoming book Rebelle?

"Women would discover their truth in their grumpy, in their tantrums, drama queen scenes and "nasty fits", I said remembering the dreams and desires hidden in the passionate and not always friendly theater of my life, "they will be empowered to say No to what limits them and love to own the magic of their Yes."

Three billion women changing anger into amazing....

With unstoppable on one and ambitious on the other foot, how can I not manifest it?

Drama Queen

You are so melodramatic... don't make a big deal out of this... do you always have to exaggerate?

YES.

Women even today are often expected to be tame, to submit and obey; to fit the role of nice girl. You don't demand to have a voice. I did. Because I was desperate and angry enough.

I have been rebellious all my life and the role of drama queen was one of them. Most of the time it was unconscious, an attitude born from the need to be listened to and to be understood. My ideas, opinions and desires had often pushed aside as "too much", too utopian, grand, too crazy. Not normal. Out of pain I blew them up even bigger, made them real colorful and loud. "Do you see me now?"  Defending myself against some outrageous judgment of my mother I threw myself on the floor pretending to have a heart attack. She didn't twitch an eye. "Control yourself," she said as ice cold as I was burning hot and crazed.

My emotional outbreaks created even more resistance at home. I talked too much, I talked too fast; I was the irrational exaggeration embodied.

If liking me was too much to ask I at least wanted them to see me....

My unsuccessful years of trying was summoned up by a the father of my child a decade later. "Why do you do this to me?" I asked him as he behaved cold, snide and detached, "please look at me, it is ME."

"So what?" he responded.

He was the ending chapter of my life in the beautiful pioneer country of Portugal. I had moved here to turn my back against "home". I felt the need to run, to distance myself from my traumas but of course they move with us, just play out in new scenarios. In Portugal, where nobody knew me I became a tough warrior and used my elbows creating businesses out of nothing. I had to be tougher, smarter and faster than the male world to win. I had to be the better guy.

The exaggeration of my power and possibilities gained me the status of go getter; I became a believable business woman, a relentless dude in bright red heels. I faked it big to make it big. I had created a fearless avatar and stepped into it slowly becoming the image I had painted. As much as I was stepping over the competition I loved my crew. With them I could be myself, down to earth without a mask, throwing dinners and parties for them and being a welcome guest in their houses. They had my back.

As tough business chicks in the 90's women learned to judge the feminine and other women as weak. My female role model, my mom, with a face of Grace Kelly and a body of Anna Nicole was neither educated nor street smart. She was what I never ever wanted to be; a repressed woman. Blonde jokes made me cringe.

My personal relationships were effed from the start as they were repetition of my fear of being ignored, a continuous loop of my childhood traumas. But outside of them I won; a sarcastic revenge of the "silly female" I turned feminine fits and diva behavior into a conscious tool.

I won court cases by intimidating lawyers with theatrical tales, got contracts using big stories and went on people's nerves to get what I wanted. I most probably fainted on demand, but there are things we better forget. I invented roles to play and from time to time that even meant to be "like a girl", needy, teary, soft.  It still belonged to the drama queen as it was an exaggeration of what I perceived as the "weak" feminine characteristics.

That's how women become like men; we have to put away our sensibilities and soft sides, our caring, mothering and unconditional love to survive in a business world dominated by men.

Nobody ever asked me for my reasons, for what I actually wanted. I especially didn't; I was proud of being tough with myself. I needed to prove that I was good enough.

I was in competition with men, not very promising for love relationships.

When I proved my point in the business world I fell on my face in relationships. I demanded love, faithfulness, loyalty. I had no clue how to be all that to myself not to talk about possibly offering  it first to my partner. "Treat the world like you would like to be treated" wasn't common knowledge at that time.

In my mind I was not appreciated. The world of love resisted and the more I pushed the more I was "hysterical."

You are so melodramatic... don't make a big deal out of this... do you always have to exaggerate?

How many tears, real, deep felt tears did I cry? In secret...

Our dramatic responses, our drama queens even if top theatrical have their reasons, valid reasons. They are often based on childhood traumas, fears, old stories and the desire to belong. Our soul knows how amazing we are, no wonder that she flips out if the world, not even her own human, refuses to see and step into it, own it. Our soul creates drama for us to get it; we are grand. Marianne Williamson got it and millions of women said YES!! Me too.

Sometimes we have to be drama queens to shake the status quo and make the world move forward. Like the women from "Advanced Style." They are dramatic style queens, unique Rebelles shaking the world of ageist beliefs.

I proved that women can be savvy and successful business femmes in a time when we just began to be "out there".

I learned that my big passionate feelings and dreams are valid, just that I have to be them not demand them.

I became a drama queen in the best sense of the word; a woman in her passionate outspoken power.

The fierceness of making new friends at midlife

"I don't want to move," he said, "it's too hard to make new friends." My son rejected an amazingly high paid job for one half the payday so that he can stay where he lives now. Also because he goes for his passion and not the bucks; I'm a proud mama, I trained him well.

Leaves me, what shall I do?

At a wise 27 my kid understands my hesitation to go on the big adventure I have in mind ripping me out off my real life social context and Los Angeles, the challenging city I learned to love. I'll always have my friends online, which really is what gave the idea wings in the first place. Still. I need the wind under those wings. So I ponder and wonder...

"Maybe it's different at your age," my son added, "you guys are creating a new empowered breed of people."

You are right, my beautiful old soul child, a mathematician who doesn't believe in souls; that everybody has a very unique essence is a conceot he would agree to. For me they are interchangeable.

We, the midlifers, boomers, formidable 40's, fierce 50's, sassy 60's and beyond are indeed creating a new empowered generation. We have to feel this confidence in our bones; we don't grow old, we grow. We are actively building a new paradigm, one, that hasn't been active in at least 2000 years; the new tribe for which we still have to find a name. I like the AGELESS, people who live in the now where time ceases to exist. Thanks to Eckard Tolle we all know the Now by now... It's a space without a defined space in which age truly is just a number. Where we arrive at us.

I always have been my own experiment. In the last year I used social media to create my ageless avatar of the ideal me;  the powerful, vibrant, funny, wise and inspiring woman with the child-like powers of play and curiosity. I'm getting closer to my vision with every Instagram post reaffirming it and with every - so important - real life action and baby step I am taking towards it. Like making new friends.

I had two enlightening Ahas about the stories many of us are stuck in.

1. I am too old for this.... was my excuse not to do certain things, an excuse I had used in one form or the other all my life dressed in different chatter; I'm too young, too fat, too under dressed, too shy, too loud, too cool, too lame.... It has nothing to do with age when we refuse to make steps or new friends or risk anything; it's fear. It always comes to fear or love in the end. At crossroads I took a couple fear based "safe" routes, which turned out to be tough challenges. Some of these decisions made me who I am today, no regrets, but some made me miss out on beauty and love.

2. It's hard to make new friends because.... for an introvert trying to be an extrovert like me it was never easy to make friends. Many acquaintances yes, but friends? It's only hard when we believe that we are not worthy to be loved or don't have anything worthy to give.

To be able to truly see and love other people, there's so way around it; we have to love ourselves. Only without the need to be approved, applauded and valuated we can truly see and love the other, everything else are, even if beautiful and romantic, trials.

In my 20's and 30's I always needed a drink before entering a party, it made me less self conscious. Then I focused on raising my son and was out of the scene. When he was gone, the big what the heck now? made me go on another vision quest. One of my fierce task later in the journey was adding new friends. I checked on old acquaintances who could be friends and asked women close to my vibe on social media on a coffee date. I created my own little Match Dot Angie.

The first seminar I ventured into was a group of writers, new and experienced, who I knew would all be much younger than me. Panic. On the way there I rattled down any empowerment mantra that could help to avoid soft knees when entering. I still had them but I didn't turn around. I really wanted to... I entered and the open arms and zero judgment of this group, especially not on my age was my first proof; I am what I think.

Three years later I am on the journey of making friends all over the world. People I vibe with immediately and people I find something in common with and be it as general as our love for life. We all have in common that we would like to be seen and understood. And I can only understand others when I take myself and my story out of the equation; in the now I'm okay, there's no story of mistakes, of not being good enough or what this person can be for me tomorrow. Being present means listening and responding with who truly am.

My fierceness is to be a self love warrioress every day; redefining my thoughts and reactions and keeping my eyes, my senses and my heart open, no excuses. No matter what it takes; morning pages, mantras, observation notes, burning sage or reminders in my IPhone; I will be true to my self and love the heck out of this world. At 12 noon my phone says: I am fearless.

Everybody has a different philosophy and understanding of self. For me I'm at midlife with 60, which means I have another 60 years to go. It really is a new start. We really are a new tribe; people with soul.

Another 60 years means many, many new friends, on which ever planet I will be.

Perhaps, when I'm 100 I've built the amazing new tribe living retreat in a beautiful country that's still sane, safe and if we're really lucky also unfettered by an overly anxious AI.

It might be on Mars and I really need my friends to come along with me:)

Beautiful celebration at milliner extraordinaire Louise Green in Los Angeles

How to make Instagram your Guru

Checking on our intentions before and after posting our pictures helps to clear our mind and soul from needs and wants and me-me-me...

Today, in my not very successful attempt to unclutter my physical stuff I found my Capoeira pants. They became my mantra of today; add action to my desires. Be fearless.

I overcame my resistance against the pain of picking up running again, got up from behind the computer and moved. My Ageless Rebel tank top help me feel even fiercer😎 To make a point I posted the picture on Instagram and Facebook.

Uncluttering my social media I asked myself, what's my true desire here, why am I posting this picture?

It is both, giving and receiving.

I want to inspire with being authentic and tell my truth even if it's not what everybody likes to hear. To empower other women with what I have to offer, means that I need to give what I'm truly passionate about, have experience with and am good at. To be real means my to add my challenges and pondering to my expertise.

I was always good at being a rebel for a cause; a better life for people and shelter dogs, women's rights and personal freedom. That's what I can give; my journey to my truth, which is a curious and adventurous process, standing up for what I feel is right, fair and just, and embodying who I really am, fearlessly.

I committed to say what I feel and wear what I want not restricted by ageism, political correctness or the need to be liked.

Letting go of the initial obsession with likes was a step to a new confidence.

I love the likes, don't get me wrong, comments are even better and when communication occurs that's grand. But I am not pleasing for likes.

By giving all of me without filter I receive clarity and motivation and the bonus that i eventually will be seen as who I truly am, by myself and my followers. 

I taught a friend what I know about Instagram and realized what an amazing journey this platform has offered to me and what a cool teacher my gallery has been; it became a clarity tool defining the depth of my understanding of "ageless"  and exploring my many personas; the fearless rebel and amazon, the silly teeny bopper and the embracing queen to name a few.  Posting my ideas leads me to my true passion and closer to my purpose. By picturing what I like to achieve, the ideal me, I became my own empowerment guru. Every vibrant and powerful presentation of my self gave me a push not just to show but also BE my avatar.

Remember the life coaching question "How to envision yourself in one year?" Instagram is perfect for that; how do you envision your day, what can you wear to show who you are and what inspiration, knowing or magic would you like to put out into the world today.... so much fierce goodness.

Questions to ask when going for truly authentic social media posts

1. Does this reflect who I truly am?

2. Does this bring me joy?

Am I doing this

3. to impress or to share an idea?

4. to get more followers or to entertain and uplift?

5. with likes in mind or what I truly like?

6. What does this matter to me?

7. Why will it matter to others?

8. What is the story I am telling?

9. What can I post to manifest the story I'd like to live now?

10. Who am I talking to?

11. What can I post that empowers me and my followers?

After posting check in

12. How does this make me feel?

12. Is this a gift to others or a "me me me" ?

13. Does this contain an insight?

14. Is this preaching or telling a story?

15. Does this cherish our journeys?

16. Would I send this to my best friend?

Can't you ever be normal?

I can take a picture at 9 am on a parking lot by my house, in dog walking clothes and no make up. I can be honest. Don't know if that's the typical "normal".

Vintage windows and doors masterfully transformed into magical art objects and hung onto smooth Adobe plastered walls had changed the ambiance of my art gallery in Portugal’s Algarve to a place a sorceress would thrive in.

My visiting dad who saw my gallery restaurant for the first time looked around raising his eyebrows just slightly, “Can’t you ever be normal?”

“One moment,” I rushed into the bathroom I had designed with ancient hand painted tiles collected for over a year.  All chairs in the gallery and restaurant were up-cycled cinema seats from a 60 year old movie theater my construction company had been contracted to tear down. The wooden double doors transformed the eccentric entrance to a “Sesame open” mystery, and the curved top on the rusty metal sheeted bar was carved by movie goers history. At night when the lights of the fountain reflected on the movie screen's enormous canvas spanning over my terrace it was like Buster Keaton coming alive.  It had been sad to tear the building down and delete its magical past but at least it’s décor survived through me.

Who wants to be freaking normal?

I stared into the baroque mirror saying "Algarcine" wondering how many beautiful women it had seen rearranging their hair and make up.  By now my tears had smeared the mascara.

I sighed and took a couple deep breaths. With the help of my organic hand made soap I looked okay again. I sometimes thought I’d never survive my dad’s judgments.

I was guilty of being a girl, not making my parents happy; I was a disappointment. I fought hard not to be. As a kid I tried to convince my dad that “just being a girl” was okay by turning my doll’s carrier upside down and playing car racing with its wheels, climbing up a wall of a 4 story house and reading wild west book sitting in trees with bow and arrows and my peace pipe. I chose horseback riding over ballet. It just gave my parents headaches and me the title of troublemaker. My attempts of being girly on the other hand were labeled “sissy, touchy, whiny; too sensitive."

No, I wasn’t normal. Normal was fitting the norm, be content in the beige box and never questioning anything. It meant to accept whatever is; to behave like sheep. Life wasn't fair to many people how could I not talk back?

I will never ever be normal, dad. My first word was no, remember?

I had build my construction company from a crew of 5 guys, a pick up truck and a concrete mixer to a company with office, secretary, engineers, power tools and big trucks. I had supervised a dozen villas, build my own house, a 7 apartment mini compound, my restaurant and art gallery. I went with my head though the wall to get here; I was a fierce and successful woman because I did not accept the norm. My inner rebel was born from pain but afforded me beautiful high heels of empowerment.

Where I saw a fighter for justice my dad saw disobedience. I was still the troublemaker; not up to the regular standard as in not married and my own boss.

I had bought him a golden watch from my first profit. “Oh gawd, another watch?” he said opening the elegantly wrapped package. The bracelet alone was worth more than the three watches he was referring too. A golden watch wasn’t normal either. He did not want it.

Far away from him on the other side of the ocean I continued proving myself in Santa Fe, NM and Los Angeles, CA; making money and losing it all. Creating success again with my event planning company and giving it up when my dad was dying. For a decade I squeezed myself into the role of an employee with the most relentless boss. Making myself small nearly physically killed me and I have been reanimating my suffocated soul for the last three years.

Now I might have to leave Los Angeles, the town of mostly fallen angels that became my challenge and my home. Los Angeles in its eccentricity and stark contrasts is a Gemini town; a manifestation of my brokenness as much as my creativity, inner beauty and sassy style.

I can’t leave her, can I?

Los Angeles is a city of Hollywood dreams but also needy and opportunistic where people don't look at you but at what you can do for them.

I can leave that with great joy.

I don't know how to decide though and checked in with an old friend, my twin in painful childhood experiences.  I had not talked to him for a year. He answered immediately in a new tone; a raw, honest and deep listening vibe from a Leo who had been too protected to be vulnerable, who was always expecting praise for his radiance. He had been humbled by love. After years of being a lonesome Leo mirroring my own life of the lonesome tigress he had surrendered to a woman and was stabbed in the back by her leaving him right after his birthday.

The love experience though opened his whole being; after his 6 decades of life he had entered the beauty of vulnerability. Back to the practices of the spiritual warrior he is turning his experience into calm, confident, loving power.

He wrote, “I feel desperation in what you do."

"One moment." I walked into my bathroom and stared into the huge mirror covering half of its wall. I wiped the tears off my face. It was midnight, and as I was ready for bed there was no makeup that could smear. I don't have organic soap these days I use coconut oil to clean my face.

I took one deep breath and let it enlighten me: I was still desperately trying to convince the world that I was good enough. I was rebelling against the unfairness of the Universe not having my back, like my dad. I was fighting for approval. I protected myself from the possibility of being a disappointment.

"Remember?" said the little voice, " you can see things differently"

Despite all his harshness my dad also had my back. He hugged me without saying a word when I sobbed after losing my virginity, he felt that there was something wrong while my mother yelled I should control myself. Shut up, he told her at least this once. He let me go to college against my mother's will. He let me borrow money buying my first house. He didn't say a word about me deciding to be a single mother and financed my son's college.

"Can't you ever be normal?" What I hear today underneath his tough, direct and often unforgiving ways is “You don’t have to prove anything.” Be you, be natural, not the eccentric personas you make up.

I don’t have to be the toughest chick in town. I don't need applause or approval.

Most of all I don't need to protect myself from being hurt. It already happened and I survived. If I fear to be a disappointment I will create it or I'll be too paralyzed to manifest the opposite.

Being vulnerable is freedom.

I found my very own "normal", dad; to be sweet and sensitive, fierce and powerful, sentimental, romantic and crazily eccentric as long as it is truly me and untouched by agendas and fears.

My last word is Yes to all I am, naturally.

Social media is amazing to check up on our selves, what are the intentions when we post our pics and quotes and tips? How does that reflect on how we live our lives? I talked to a friend of mine and she has done the same thing; I post something I am passionate about but it gets half the likes I usually get. So I take it off, I'm not vibing with the taste of others.

But it's me, so next time it'll stay (I feel so empowered now)

Uncluttering our agendas

Questions to ask when going for truly authentic social media posts

1. Does this reflect who I truly am?

2. Does this bring me joy?

Am I doing this

3. to impress or to share an idea?

4. to get more followers or to entertain and uplift?

5. with likes in mind or what i truly like?

6. What does this matter to me?

7. Why will it matter to others?

8. Is this a gift or a "me me me" ?

9. Does this contain an insight?

10. Does this cherish my friends?

11. Does this feel like a dance or a fight?

12. Would I send this to my best woman friend?

Stay Wild Moon Child

Bridging the Gap; when Midlifers meet Millennials magic happens. At least in our case, join me meeting Lilach Avissar, the creative force behind Spirit Nest.

“Got that whole magic driven, gypsy warrior, soul witch bitch type of vibe.”

Wow, how cute is this? I had to have this t-shirt. My day had been packed with clients’ requests and business stuff. Instagram gave me the gift of magic; a big sigh from my heart interrupting my “normal.” Yes!! I had that soul witch bitch type of vibe, a vibrant mix of soulful yearning and rebellious, slightly guilty "I know, I stood up for myself. I'm such a bitch."

My magical life hack via Instagram came from Lilach Avissar, the creative force behind Spirit Nest, a vibrant, smart and mystical Xennial, who travels the world mostly for business and creates fashion accessories and inspirational tees.

We connected when she posted my picture in a top she designed and didn’t say, “You look good for your age.” I felt accepted in a gang of creative, edgy, wild and magical women who could all be my daughters. They wear the pink and bright red hair I will have the guts to experiment with, maybe, one day. One of the things I love about having lived for a couple decades is the power to do what we want now without apologizing to society’s expectations, to discover our true selves and embody them. Witchy, bitchy magical designs are part of it.

Like an Avatar, Lilach's beautiful creations on one of her beautiful clients.

Fashion at it’s best is the expression of our mood and at it’s arty amazingness it shows the vibe of our souls.

I use myself as the canvas for my soul. Lilach paints on real canvas and creates designs that tickle women’s truth.

Lilach graduated from a prestigious design academy as an illustrator and a collage artist. She worked as a textile designer for big global companies for years. Both experiences were of the harsher kind. Her “bitter art teachers” were “miserable and corrupted, they enjoyed abusing their students daily, put them down and not even in a constructive manner… It really made me lose all faith in all the academy structure, and it took me around 5 years to get the academy toxics out of my system, and go back to painting and designing, “ she explains her path.

My own college time was one of the amazing periods of my life; the flair of the revolutionary 60’s was still very much around in the seventies, which was “my” era. The political upheavals as much as our amazingly creative life style rebellion uplifted my spirits and shook my middle class upbringing, a mindset I never had liked or understood. Freedom had been a treasured desire and I manifested it by being the tough chick who gets what she wants; including my businesses. When women succeed they are often judged as elbowing their way to success.

Lilach and I simply did what came natural to us as free spirited women.

On a house boat she surprised her husband with in Amsterdam.

Her fierce desire to be free of her academic experience brought her to be the innovative artist she is today.

We both fought ourselves out of the restrictions of our experiences, be it parents, mindsets or horrible bosses. I opened my first business like Lilach with 30, but other than her who’s journey had gone through gruesome work situations I experienced the suffocation employment can cause only at 50. I crushed my success making a huge stock market mistake. For a decade I suffered a boss who showed me at every corner that, even if I had climbed up her ladder, I “wasn’t good enough.”
Lilach’s words could have been mine:” My last boss was such a terrible narcissist, that Meryl Streep in the “devil wears Prada” seemed like Mahatma Gandhi next to her. But I understand that I had to go through those hardships to find my self and to deeply appreciate own professional path.”

It is often proposed that Midlifers have the wisdom of experience to share and Millennials or Xennials share the vibrancy of new ideas and their unafraid twin-like existence with technology. When we go a little deeper and look into the others eyes though, the gateway to our ageless souls, there’s often so much more.

We are mirrors for each other.  The so-called randomness of encounters really is an attraction of souls, connections that make sense and awaken and reawaken us, sometimes it’s just a tiny wink and sometimes a revelation.

Deep listening is an art.  Being aware of what other human beings, the good and the bad, show us about ourselves is an amazing skill.

When Lilach and I went on Zoom for a couple hours her day had been packed with clients’ requests and business stuff.

Like her design had hacked my routine a year ago I hacked her day rekindling her desire to dive back into the world of design and create more than spread sheets and organize sales.  Even when she likes the marketing aspect of her business she’s the true artist longing for the play with forms and colors.

I am very curious what she comes up with next.

Her first company, Alpha Gypsy started with her love of scarves.

At the time she was an avid scarves collector who, when temperatures dropped happily and immediately wrapped herself up.

From the artistic aspect scarves are like canvases but she found “what’s unique about them is when it’s wrapped, the scarves both reveal and hide, in different manners, the artwork that’s printed on them.“

You can’t live of scarves alone and together with her tech savvy husband Tomer, they created Spirit Nest, expanding into Tee shirts, jewelry, organic cosmetics, gorgeous altar items; the ingredients for a magical life.

I feel that adding ritual back into our daily routine is how we expand our lives into deeper beauty and reveal deeper levels of our selves.

Lilach’s August 13 birthday astrology predicts that she is a passionate and idealistic Leo, radiant like the sun and with a bunch of drive and ambition. Maybe that’s how we got to talk to each other like soul sisters; I’ve got a Leo moon and “know” her on a deeper level. My Scorpio sun feels at home in her mystical designs, I love it all; the gypsy, the moon child, the fairy…

Lilach is shy, no wonder she wraps herself in luxurious scarves. But even when we both feel like introverts there’s an ancient and undeniable warrioress power we own and step into every day a little more.

Who we surround ourselves with is part of our soul’s make up; I meet more and more strong, confident, uniquely beautiful warrior type women, Lilach’s clientele is creative, edgy, wild and free, a daily reminder of her truth even when business takes her over.

When I was into architectural, interior designs and landscaping during my construction business and art gallery years I walked around my house like in a trance, “receiving” the designs I then applied.

Lilach owns a collection of images she loves, mostly of the retro and mystical kind. Meditation about and around them though is the main source of her inspirations. It can take a long time of spiritual and intellectual work and tossing of drawings before a new design is born. But the most successful designs, she said, flew in “just like that.” She created “Stay wild, Moon child,” in the spirit of a moment and it became the bestseller of Spirit Nest.

We met in the magic and mystery of ancient archetypes and the promises they make for a life that’s as earthy as it is metaphysical.

In all our similarities there is a difference that became an important reminder to me; there is a “young” innocence and trust in love and the magic of relationships, which we sometimes lose when memories of mistakes we made or pain we let other people inflict upon us cloud our perception.

Meeting Lilach means to me to be open to magic, on ALL levels, to not just be the Warrioress Queen I call my essence but to also embody her fierce believe in “everything is possible.” Even romantic love.

What would I advice a Millenial?

Stay wild, Moon Child.

Are you part of the ageless generation? Test it.

“Ageless rebels step out of age, gender, and race, and join in tribes of passionate mindsets, facing this adventurous experiment called life with joy.
”

— From the Ageless Rebel Planner

What's so cool about this threat of being called "OLD" is that it is a wake up call. Swear a little bit, stomp your foot and say NO. Discover your true power. I am happy to help.

In my next post I'll transform every judgment and nasty prediction of ageism into it's opposite, a power. But today I'd like you to play with me, do a little test and smile.

I love playful discoveries of who I am, I'm talking to my deeper self via astrology, Tarot cards and let people and situation mirror my inner turmoil of amazingness and doubts.

Tests though are simply fun.

ARE YOU PART OF THE AGELESS GENERATION?

Your sofa is best described as:

a) Huge, 10 years old, with velvet upholstery. b) Up-cycled from a tiki bar near your flat. c) A two-seater with floral loose covers.

When you want to relax after a day at work, your top option is:

a) Netflix binge, obviously. b) Going out. It's a bit tricky to kick back in a flatshare with five other people. c) Popping a DVD into the player and enjoying a glass of wine.

You want to redecorate. First, you:

a) Get on Pinterest and start pinning deep, dark-blue kitchens. b) Get on Pinterest and dream of one day owning your own home. c) Why would you decorate? You had that done when you moved in.

Your favourite cookbook is by:

a) Yottam Ottolenghi. You're thinking of going vegan, or at least demi-vegie. b) Gwyneth Paltrow. She's so beautiful. c) Margaret Fulton. Utterly reliable.

Your ideal romantic break is:

a) An Airbnb in a city you've never visited before. Or Byron Bay – the noisy bit. b) An Airbnb in a city you've never visited before. Or Byron Bay – the quiet bit. c) A five-star country hotel, though cruises are starting to look appealing

You can't live without:

a) Your iPhone. b) Your mates. c) Your osteopath.

Mainly a) You are a perennial, of course – engaged, adventurous and tech-savvy.

Mainly b) You're a true millennial – but you share a lot of interests and attitudes with the new mid-lifers.

Mainly c) You're embracing traditional middle age. The only perennials you're interested in are in your garden. The rest, frankly, sounds quite tiring.

Test by The Sydney Morning Herald

Not every midlife doll dabbles in Dior.

I went to an upscale supermarket today. A midlife lady behind sliced cheese wrapped in plastic offers tastes. She doesn't smile.
I taste one because I wasn't in a great mood either. I was in a "eff effing diets" mood. Mmh, this little square on a tooth pick was good. Cheesy with herbal overtones... "Kosher," she throws at me with a smokey voice. "Glutenfree."
Her face says: I could care less...
I try the one with Wasabi, girl that's good. I mean, plastic fantastic cheese on the warm, fresh baked baguette which had just landed in my cart? Heaven, yes. French culture meets American cheese perversion. I love contrast.
Yes. I take a pack.
I really am in that mood.
"Congrats," she says, "Its Mel Gibson's favorite."
I nearly tossed it back into her basket.
Why would she think mentioning the right wing womanizing weirdo would impress me?
I look at her again. 50+ maybe 60? She has the typical casual class Malibu touch...Mel lived in Malibu for years. Perhaps she hung out at parties with the guy. I felt tempted to spin a story of how this once rich Malibu woman lost it all...and has to sell cheese.
Okay. I keep the 12 wasabi spiced thin slices.
I would be smile devoid, detached too. I would feel embarrassed. Who wants to sell cheese in general - but at midlife ? With Mel Gibson as a tagline?
One of my anti ageist story ideas is to apply for jobs and only reveal my age when arriving at the interview. I thought of applying for hostess at Moby's vegan "Little Pine" as it's around my corner and he's an "advanced" human. Would he accept a sassy 60?
Then I actually imagined working there, serving the Millenial scene and - I freaked out. OMG. Please don't let me ever have to do this. At 60.
I stuffed myself with the plastic fantastic cheese and the gorgeous baguette. I don't know if I'm in a cheese trance but I wanna run back and hug this woman.
Lesson: not everybody has a supportive hubby, the inheritance of a dead hubby or lucrative divorces and abundant funds from wherever.
Not every midlife woman dabbles in Dior.
Let's all support each other so that at this time of our lives we don't have to sell cheese in a supermarket.

How to add magic back into your life with daily ritual

The power of ritual

Invite magic back into your life.

“A ritual "is a sequence of activities involving gestures, words, and objects, performed in a sequestered place, and performed according to set sequence.” Wikipedia.

What do you feel when you hear the word ritual? I see deep, dark medieval rites, atonement, purification, mystery schools and women tribes dancing. You might see your kids graduation or wedding. What they have in common is that they create a sacred space in sacred time. They celebrate and initiate a new beginning.

Using rituals to make the world a more magical place is an ancient tradition in many cultures; when we create our own we connect to its power and invite magic back into our lives.

The power of rituals is to give new meaning to time and space. It’s a hack of normalcy; we step out of the mundane to experience a deeper side of self, to think, feel, see and act with a refreshed perspective.

I use my morning ritual to invite my soul to show up, she is my essence and knows my voice. As I’m a rebel I don’t listen all the time but when I create my goals with my soul it’s like a bell ringing it my head: they are clear, honest and so much more powerful.

Sacred space, sacred time

Rituals can get us to see everyday things in a new way.

Amidst the ordinary we create a scared space that’s just for us. We adorn it with items that have a special meaning or we give a special purpose. We carve out precious time to be with our selves and make it sacred by allowing ourselves to be truly present and open to listen to our deeper wisdom.

Our space is doubt free and we can let go of judgments be it the mistake we made yesterday or the seriously crazy vision we have for our future. It’s a beautiful shiny bubble, which shuts off the shatter of the world and all its demands. The only person that matters here is you and that is totally okay. Be open, be weird; be free of everything you think you know.

To get to the deeper self, we use sound, fragrance, meditation, painting, writing or dance. You can also dig holes in the garden or throw knifes and darts; just let go of “adulting” and play. Much of who we truly are is hidden in our inner child and she doesn’t listen if we don’t enter her playground.

Women are life-givers and ritual helps us give life to our true selves.

The time and effort are totally worth it. It took me a whole year to let go of my limiting beliefs. I was onto them like a fierce warrior but it was my ritual that finally softened my stubbornness. Always the go-getter, the tough chick, I found my feminine beauty and softness in my morning ritual.

We see ourselves in a new light and that changes our perspective of the world. She’s so much nicer when we are in peace with our selves.

Rituals can make us feel in a new way.

When I sacralize the “normal” I feel like a sorceress adorning my little temple of creation, even in pajamas.

I find morning rituals the most important, if you can spare 30 minutes to honor your Self do it in the morning.

It’s a fresh start, a new day to manifest who you really are. Not being immediately distracted by chores and need to you might even remember a cool dream that sets the tone of your day…

Should you not be a happy little camper when you wake up but your first though it OMG, all that crap I have to do, remember that you have the power to change your feelings about anything.

It’s a decision WE make in every second of your days and especially when we start the day. We create the filter through which we see life and how we react to the uncool stuff is our choice; let it scratch, stumble or poison you or wash over you like a lukewarm shower.

After brainstorming your raw, unfiltered feelings in the morning you use them to consciously re-write your story: you transform every negative into it’s positive, turning your crap into gold. You find a yes in every grumpy no and a powerful no in every wimpy yes. It’s a willful act, which usually meets resistance and doubt but writing it down will make a point.

Morning rituals turn you into the director of your movie in which you and your soul buddy are the heroines.

In the Ageless Rebel Planner we’ve got a treasure chest, where you can chose your tools; your mantras and affirmations. With them you create how you want to feel.

Rituals can make us do things in a new way.

Your morning ritual is a powerful tool to set the tone of your day; it’s getting your bow ready to shoot your manifesting arrows into your life.

What is your goal this week? For your body, mind, soul and spirit?

Why does this matter to you? Find and own your honest motivation. Don’t judge, if you want to be filthy rich it doesn’t have to feel filthy and if your heart yearns for the prince on a black stallion it’s not kitsch. It just has to be you and not a voice from the past and somebody else’s message.

Your truth will change what you go after and how you do it.

Hand writing your goals is a proven psychological tool that gives you deeper clarity and also helps you to commit.

After you decide on your goals and mantras don’t hesitate to set reminders in your smart phone:

I am courage. I can see things differently. I am open to receive…

Repetition is the key to rewiring your brain.

It can make you feel like a trainer of a wild animal and really it’s not too far from it. I even plan my rewards for being a good girl or not taking any bull. 

Telling our brain over and over again that we are fearless, relevant or wise, a Goddess or an Amazone will convince it of our new truth. Reward: a new neuro pathway to success.

Envisioning your future as if it were already here makes your brain believe in it, it doesn’t know which image is real and which is fantasy.

“Frame your day or it will frame you
AW Quote”

Create your very personal morning and evening ritual

Preparation

Choose a space where you will be undisturbed

What is the theme of your week?

Clarify a problem?

Finding a solution to an issue?

Manifesting a goal?

Create your mantra

Create your sacred space:

Discover what your theme resonates with using astrology, which colors, animal spirits, artwork, charms or power objects…

Connect to ancient knowing with archetypes; evoke goddess energy, the wisdom of a sage or poet, the magic of a sorceress or ancestor using sound (drum, bells, chimes, song…) divination (tarot cards, runes, spells)

Surround yourself with the items that lift your spirits, support your goals and create your NOW; light candles or diffuse organic oils like frankincense, lavender, rosemary or sage.

The night before:

In your dark and clutter free bedroom ask any important questions you might have.

Declare your expectation of a creative, vibrant morning.

Set your clock 30 minutes to an hour earlier than your regular wake up time, let it wake you up with a song that makes your heart fly or your feet dance.

EVERY SINGLE DAY

RE-CAP of some of your options

1.   Soul

o   Music

o   Dance

o   Candles

o   Diffuse essential oils, burn sage

o   Journaling

o   Drawing, doodling, painting

o   Visualize the mantra of the week

o   Let your dreams speak to you

o    

2.   Spirit

o   Affirmations

o   Meditation

o   Spinning

o    

3.   Mind

o   Meditate

o   Read

o   Mind map

o   Planning

o    

4.   Body

o   Rub ice into your face

o   Stretch, Jump rope, rebounder, push-ups, planks

o   Breathe & Shake

o   Water with Lemon, Aloe Vera Juice, Green Smothie

o   Nourish your body with a healthy breakfast

“Shake your body and your mind will follow
AW”

Your whole body vibration plate is a cool and easy way to let go of body, mind and spirit tensions. Get one here and smile again.

Two beautiful mantras as a sweet gift for your week

I AM …. (beauty, courage, forgiveness, young, love, compassion, now, my ageless essence)

I am open to give and receive what empowers me to own my (beauty…)

Connect with us in the Ageless Rebellion on Facebook.

And - the Ageless Rebel Planner is a beautiful sidekick to manifest self love and the life you’ll love.

http://amzn.to/2pzWptX

Cute little tidbit:

We went to the Orgeon Wilderness and camped in the middle of nowhere. Cut off from tech and city noise is an amazing path to rejuvenation of our senses. Get a tiny tent that doesn't weigh much and pops up in a couple minutes.

We are amazing in our nastiness

The words memorial and memories were still in the air during my morning ritual today. After exercising some heartfelt compassion for everybody who had to take part in wars all over the world I thought of war without guns; the fight for freedom women went through for thousands of years.

Oppress what threatens you is a millennia-old game; our female virtues, love, compassion, caring and understanding were deprecated, passion vilified and our amazing power to give life was beaten into us as a duty, and our only value. The dark ages were pretty damn dark for everybody but especially gruesome for women and in that respect they lasted much longer than history accounts for.

With a few lucky exceptions women didn’t have any rights as respected members of society for centuries.

Famous philosopher Aristotle propagated that women were evil, disorderly, "utterly useless and caused more confusion than the enemy." Because of this, Aristotle thought keeping women separate from the rest of the society was an enlightening idea.

1200 AD theologian Jacques de Vitry described women as being "slippery, weak, untrustworthy, devious, deceitful and stubborn" - just to name two influential men shaping the opinion of their time.

The “weak and irrational” female had to be controlled; our fathers and husbands would keep us silent and powerless. We were disregarded in the worst ways, abducted or sold to men “in marriage”, raped and insulted on all human levels; worldwide slaves.

The most obvious hands-on control was the practice of foot binding in China, which literally crippled women’s activities from the tenth to the early 20th century.

Suppression was, with a few exceptions like Spartan and Viking women, rampant in the ancient world and later fortified by the story of Adam and Eve; an interpretation painting Eve as the disobedient, lustful heretic who was to be punished forever after.

That we are nasty and worthless is deeply ingrained in our genes.

"Yes," she said, "I'll join you." And then sat back on her chair in front of the biker shop waiting for her bike to be repaired.

But in our shared cosmic data bank are also stories of matriarchal societies, goddesses and Amazones; a rich passionate world of female power mostly described as myth.

There are those few who were revered, like priestesses and oracles and those incredibly brave who resisted, who wanted their freedom no matter what.

Rebel queens and conniving noble women, women fighters and beautiful tricksters, educated courtesans and fierce prostitutes left fear and shame aside and took what was not given freely. Autonomy. Their self worth was defined by rebellion.

Medicine women, witches and sorceresses, artists and gypsies, wild women and troubairitz, many of them punished for standing up for their beliefs are the colorful and fierce minority keeping our true female heritage alive.

From Hildegard von Bingen’s mystical writing to Elizabeth Cady Stanton who wrote the "Women’s Bible," or Wild West Rebel Helen Jackson who stirred up public outrage with "A Century of Dishonor", her book about the mistreatment of Native Americans, the occasional poet and writer brought light into the mess of their societies. 

Many of them are forgotten. Their resistance is barely talked about.

Remembering, honoring and celebrating our history is part of our power.

We also have the memories of our greatness in our genes.

Let's celebrate our foremothers. And remember that this was just about 150 years ago

"Stanton’s version read, “The history of mankind is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations on the part of man toward woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.” Then it went into specifics:

• Married women were legally dead in the eyes of the law
• Women were not allowed to vote
• Women had to submit to laws when they had no voice in their formation
• Married women had no property rights
• Husbands had legal power over and responsibility for their wives to the extent that they could imprison or beat them with impunity
• Divorce and child custody laws favored men, giving no rights to women
• Women had to pay property taxes although they had no representation in the levying of these taxes
• Most occupations were closed to women and when women did work they were paid only a fraction of what men earned
• Women were not allowed to enter professions such as medicine or law
• Women had no means to gain an education since no college or university would accept women students
• With only a few exceptions, women were not allowed to participate in the affairs of the church
• Women were robbed of their self-confidence and self-respect, and were made totally dependent on men

Excerpt from:
Elizabeth Stanton's Declaration of Sentiments

For more detailed information:

The woman’s bible

Women’s rights

Female outlaws

We are the mothers of sons who become men we (dis) like

"If you don't sit still, you'll get it! You know that, damned." The boy sat up, straight like a little soldier, hands on the table, eyes wide open. The dad who reprimanded his son did not loosen up, his stern face seemed frozen. The mom batted her eyes.

That was just a week ago, in a cute cafe frequented by modern couples in a gentrified LA neighborhood.

The responsibility to change the world lies in us parents and it starts with the babies in our wombs.

Today it's about the boys who might become men ruling our societies on the side of women and their moms who have the power to let them be all they are, embracing both their male and female virtues.

Men still have the power in our patriarchal societies but that doesn't mean that they "deserve" it as just, balanced, compassionate and fair kings. They have an ancient history of being screwed up as human beings. Those who break through and welcome their feminine sides are as adorable as women gaining their strength. We as mothers have the power to let them be Yin and Yang right from the start.

Undeserved power, entitlement and arrogance has unnerved me for decades, brutality and ruthlessness got me rallied up too often. I hated what I felt I had no power over. I'm still not physically stronger than most men or became a senator to change the world but lots has changed not just in me but in society. I was an emotional rebel princess on the pea, now I am a passionate rebel queen. But it's not about revenge; it's about using the fire of our anger to light up feminine qualities in everybody.

More and more women find empowerment in self love, and the world sees women rising everywhere.

This new confidence of women, our powerful inner warrioress,  supported by the fierce ladies before us who have fought for the simplest human rights to be extended to us, like wearing pants or voting, is our chance. It is our answer to the many outcries of "Mother Earth".

The male qualities in us give us the strength to stand up for the power of female qualities in our boys.

I offered my son Kung Fu and dance classes, cooking and fencing, an art and a math tutor. He played Halo and collected swords but also had a couple Barbies. Which, I must admit were never a success. I suspect I really bought those for myself. I let him decide for himself and asserting his vision of life as much as encouraging him to cry and to ask for help. He came out sweet, loving and strong, he would be the balanced ruler I'd endorse.

We are the women who create the men we love.

When we put "fem the future" on our banners, many reacted with "but we need men".  The fear that women lust for competition and revenge is often immediate but ruling as women means valuing love, compassion and understanding. We don't want to be right, better and more repressive. We don't want to smack men, we want to lift them up; the divine masculine is as cool as the divine feminine. It's the value in both we're after and balancing it in perfect Yin and Yang. We vote for integration not segregation.

It's all about balance.

The word "educare" carries the message: it means to train, and "educere" means to lead out. We train body, mind, soul and spirit and lead to knowledge, which again is both, the inner knowing and the outer knowledge.

We have nine months to think balanced thoughts and feel the appreciation of this beautiful planet and all its inhabitants, which we'd intend for our children to embody. What an amazing time to grow for both, mom and kid.

Most women know unconditional love at least at the moment they give birth to a child. That's a power worth cultivating and putting on a pedestal. When we let go of how we were told to mold our kids but instead listen and feel them and open the world to their uniqueness we are using this power wisely. We draw out who they are not squeeze in our preconceived notions of who we think they should be. We offer them the perfect environment in which to grow, like a flower wanting the right mix of sun, shade, soil and water. Inner nature is in tune with outer nature. Perfection in it's weird way also includes the imperfect, the glitches and challenges through which mom and son will grow.

Be vulnerable, baby boy. It's an asset not a weakness.

Cry, it's a gift not a demise.

Dress up, enjoy pretty stuff, paint pretty pictures, dance and nurture your puppy. It's cool to enjoy style and amazing to "mother" what you love.

Seriously, don't we adore men with compassion and style? I certainly do.

We let our boys have their super powers but also the magical powers of witches who brew strange potions in cauldrons.

We offer them experiences and things without wrapping them into judgment, we let them decide for themselves. We trust their innate amazingness. (and nudge them a little if needed)

The order to be manly is as suffocating as being reduced to Barbie. The answer lies in opening all doors, making all feelings available from being powerful to being vulnerable.

Let tough and teasing be cruel feats from the past and no sensitive kid or journalists in wheel chairs will be bullied anymore.

Super girls and super boys will create their world in balance with their powerful and magical souls.

Moms to the rescue.

Ageless RSS

Gosh, I love my Ego

Follow the signs

Gatherings, meet ups, mixers, networking parties: great opportunities fly into my mail box every week. I yearn for connection. I want to meet my tribe, my team. Yes, I sign up. Thanks for the invite. When the date arrives interesting things happen each time: my dog coughs, I can't leave her alone. I need to respond to all these emails and it's too late to go. The power dress I wanted to wear has a stain!!! I am suddenly so tired, I have to sit down...

So I don't go.

Most probably it won't be great anyway and the people talk blah or are full of themselves. I will be bored. It's LA, everybody wants something, everybody has an agenda. How many times did I see eyes glaze over at Hollywood parties when I revealed that I wasn't a producer, casting agent or influential somebody behind the scenes? The worst was a book release party recently; first the writer who had personally invited me, didn't even notice the birthday present I brought her and basically ignored me. I already bought her book. I didn't have a podcast. When I walked through the dark, dingy rock'n roll space where people chatted eye in eye, sipped on their beer or stared at video screens nobody noticed me. Not one glance of acknowledgement. I was a ghost. The surreal feeling of being utterly invisible made me run back to my car. The party wasn't good? asked the valet. No. It was gruesome. I felt gruesome.

We are all burnt kids and let passed experience structure our Now. Experience follows expectations. 

I tried to convince myself halfheartedly; letting go of the past didn't help. Sent my ego to Mars wasn't quite working. The mantra of "just give" felt silly. The problem was that I wasn't ready. I didn't have anything to show, tell or give. What if people asked what I do? I'm developing things? That's lame.

I should make this time really productive instead. I'll write. I'll finish a chapter. I'll be somebody to reckon with in no time. You'll see.

I flip through my notes: When you are really passionate about something, you do it, no matter what. You don't just try - you don't run the other way when it gets uncomfortable. My notes don't lie. My notes actually slap my face. My kickass tagline is "summon your powers."

I yearn for connection. I want to meet my tribe, my team.

When I wake up 5 minutes later I am in the car. No prettying up, no endless rummaging through the wardrobe. My powers summoned me; I don't even know how I got behind the wheel. Just drive! At least I'm wearing my tiger booties.

Manhattan Beach is far and it's stress time on the 105. I make it just in time. Proudly, as I was always the one who came late to control the situation. The first person I run into into is model-gorgeous host Alicia Dunams. Damn, I should have done my doll up... She's sweet and has her arms wide open. Okay, so I don't have to look like a socialite. Nice. Maybe this is not like those other times. I had uncluttered part of my life, bye bye negative mirror people, and was practicing to be receptive for the positive stuff of life for weeks.

A couple dozen people hang out in the slick little conference room of the Shade hotel, busy talking, laughing, hugging. Nothing changes when I enter. No ripple of my presence makes them look up. God, I knew it. It's the same thing like always. I don't know anybody, I am on my own, nobody sees me.

Hey, so nice you could come!! I feel manly arms reaching out from a polished black and freshly pressed jacket pulling me onto an impressive chest: the featured author of the night came over to greet me. Chris Lee?  Swell to meet you. I read your book... (half) giving, integrity, great concepts...

Happiness is to give what you love about yourself. (from my first snap chat ever)

When he's onto the next happy attendant, I hold my breath - and there's Nadine taking his place. A sparkling girl under 30. She wants to know who I am. She could be my daughter but age has disappeared. She looks at me and sees me. Her integrity sits on her sleeves. When somebody connects with our essence, nothing else matters; it's a fearless, ageless, timeless space. When somebody sees us for who we are time does not exist, all there is is Now. Very cool, Eckhard, I got it.

Life's a lab with lots of experiments which can go right or wrong. Who cares. The important thing is to observe, be vigilant and learn.

Chris Lee involves the group with questions: what are you grateful for, what do you take for granted. I got a brain freeze. I plan to be on a TED stage next year and watch myself puzzled: I feel fear to speak up. I'm afraid of judgments. I'm too different. Ego. Control. Critique. Help. This can't be happening.

Chris looks at me. Smiles sweetly. "What are you proud of?" 

"That I brought my son through college. After he left it took me three years to get over myself but I finally quit that survival job which killed my spirit. I do what I love to do. I write. My book title says it all: from grumpy bitch to happy witch..."

There it was. It was out there. My truth of the moment.

Applause, laughter. They all seem to find this very cool. Great title, Alicia says.

They heard me. The door was open: I watched myself letting go of judgments. I let the moments of "really?" melt away when grandiose statements filled the room: I am the master of manifesting, I am the best communicator, my visions change the world... Nope, they weren't full of it. People shared what they are without pride or agenda, just bathing in their happiness and realizations. If people are mirrors I am all that?

Nadine, like me, just jumped into the unknown to follow her deepest desire. There's no chatter in my head anymore. I listen to her story completely present. I love how brave she is. Nadine takes a video of us and posts my first snap chat. My authentic happy, giggly self bursts out of my smile. I look at the picture and am so excited that this is me.

What I went away with is:

Follow the signs. When we have a deep desire and life answers with an invitation we better have our eyes open and take it. Life's a box of chocolates...

To be open is the vibe to walk with. Watch and learn, watch and let go of our bull. Constantly, instantly. When we expect people to be full of it, we are full of it: of expectations, judgments and fear. Our beliefs are our prisons; the prison is safe but the world outside is so much more exciting.

It is much more rewarding to be interested in people then hoping that people are interested in me.

Giving is an expression of self love. We do not need a finished website, business plan, books and million dollar businesses to be somebody. We don't need to give money, connections, stuff.  We are good enough. When we give what we love about ourselves we light the fire in others. In others we see a different us; doors open and the world looks different.

It's like holding a flashlight into the Quantum soup and seeing a reality that was always there and the flashlight is - our uncluttered self.

Without uncluttering our beliefs, our reality won't change.

We are living, breathing projectors of our inner movies. If you want to see a comedy rather than a drama you better make up your mind.

Nadine is my muse of May; a girl with her heart wide open. She held up the coolest mirror and invited me to see my sleeping beauty. The grumpy bitch is dead. Long live the happy witch.

What can I give to you?

I realized I was fierce

“Life: “Don’t put your feet on my table!”
Ageless Rebel: “Put your feet where they want to be.””

People sometimes thought of me as a trouble maker. My parents were upset when I turned my doll's stroller into a brick carrying truck with 5, my family was shocked when I went to college against my mother's will with 18, my friends adored me when I left Germany with 25 to seek adventures in France and Portugal. I became a tough business chick, was well of for a while and played the stock market till I was broke - and all that on high heels or cowgirl boots.

I was a fighter. Nothing came easy and I behaved like Sarah Connor without the gun. I actually loved shooting cans with my antic Spanish rifle, ah, the power of the bang, the fierceness of Anne Oakley.

Everything was about making it, proving myself, being somebody. And I totally winged it; I opened a construction company and a restaurant in Portugal without a clue what was expected of me. You learn while doing; you fake it to make it. I showed them. I might be blonde but I'm tough.

My inner warrior girl me took to what she wanted.

Unfortunately stomping your foot doesn't help if you believe that you don't really deserve the result, and what we fight for can be lost five minutes later.

"Can't you ever be normal?"

"No, dad, why don't you see how cool I am?" 

He couldn't. So I moved even further away. I put my naked feet on the floor of an art therapy college in Santa Fe and learned to cry. Life was hard, my dad was mean and I wasn't that cool after all.

In a "dance your dream" session I met the two personas who ruled me: the pretty princess on the pea and the demanding warrior. The judgment I had heard all my life was either: you're too whiny, (sensitive, girly) or too bossy, (fearless, tomboyish) both meant that I was too much. Two years into the therapy sessions I stopped crying. I decided to stick with the warrior, at least it didn't hurt that much. Wrapped in rockn roll outfits I felt like a boy.

I had said one thing loud and clear though: I want to know what life is all about.

I had to face the answers: my feet brought me to places where I was supposed to learn about my myth, my mindset and beliefs that had forged me into this hard, defensive person. I saw, I heard but please, why should I listen?

In fighting mode we're too busy to slay our enemies rather than seeing them as messengers. The F word became my buddy. I was dreaming to move to Mars with Elon Musk cause this unfair planet made me too angry; I was imprisoned in this job I hated with these people who did not see my talent but treated me like....

I totaled my car. My fault. It didn't cost me my life but a big chunk of money. All I had at the time. For three months I was on foot and rode with coworkers to the job; the bike rides on the streets of LA had scared the heck out of me. My life was halted. I sat in it. Literally. In my arm chair. For hours, feeling the despair underneath the anger. And there was that guardian angel idea I really didn't want to believe in.

If somebody watched over me my life would be nice and easy. My son had left, my dog had died and then, one of the dark nights of my soul, my dad died. Before he could learn and express unconditional love. Before I could show him all that I am.

I was alone and that emptiness was gruesome. All I had was that familiar but tiny voice that always showed up but I only paid attention to after the dramas: everything will be okay, it said, soften up, listen....

Not giving up is fierce, to walk on even if your feet hurt.

I met Rosanne an intuitive life coach in 2014. She showed me that what is hard breaks easily. She helped me melt away parts of my armor feeling life rather than intellectualizing it. I kicked and screamed and learned to accept what is: everything I liked or disliked in my life was my own creation. I was afraid of myself; it wasn’t life that was treating me badly, my thoughts and expectations did.

To be afraid and dare to live anyway, that's fierce.

To trust that life is our friend not enemy - even when shoot happens -  that's pretty breath taking.

On this planet it's not fight and aggression that will win in the end. So we hope. We don't need more Testosterone and I didn’t need to be “male” to be powerful.

I was grinding my teeth walking the streets of LA - in pink sneakers - not judging people but looking at them, thinking: "I love you." Honestly? This was so silly, so weird... but at the end of the day I was different. Life was different. Baby steps, said Rosanne, but for me this was huge.

To admit to be scared is a big deal, especially for a rebel.

I learned not to react but to respond, not to lash out but to accept unfairness, not to criticize but let people make mistakes.

Behind every human’s mask sits the wish to be loved.

To focus on people's essence rather than their exterior - that's fierce.

To respond from our heart no matter what, to let go of the “old”, that's fierce.